A Stages Bus

The trip from Ba to Lautoka is a well worn route for me. A quick 40min trip one way gets me to my swimming location 3 times a week. Finish school 3pm, bus from Ba 3:15, arrive Lautoka just before 4, stroll up to the Northern Club, dive in, quick 1.5-2kms, dry off, coffee (if I have company), back to Lautoka bus station, 5:30 bus back to Ba, home before dinner is served (if I don't have company).

Really not too much effort for a very enjoyable swim, and what can be described as a pleasant bus trip. That is if i haven't been duped into catching a stages bus yet again...

A stages bus is the exact opposite of an express bus. And is a perfect example of Fijian culture.  Instead of a pleasant 40min one way trip, a stages bus trip is over 1.5 hrs of hair tearing, nail biting, teeth grinding frustration.

You see bus stops haven't quite made it to Fiji yet. Yes bus stations are the hub of every big town, and bus shelters are THE place to hang out in smaller villages, but bus stops are non-existent or non-functioning. And here lies the #1 problem with stages buses. They stop. Everywhere. This does not mean they stop at regular 500m intervals, or at major intersections. No. They appear to provide a more or less a door to door service. This means that if you and your next door neighbour are waiting for the bus they will pick you up then they will drive and pick your next door neighbour up. The same applies if you and your neighhbour are getting off the bus. And to top it all off the ride is not smooth and the bus takes a lot to get moving so i have decided to give you a little taste of a ride on a stages:

Ba bus station: board bus (usually pulled up at the express stop, with an encouraging wave from the driver to come on in). Squeeze down narrow isle, past the badly positioned poles (I really have no idea how some of the bigger members of society, and there are a lot of them, manage this tricky navigation). Try to avoid getting the middle spot in the 3 person seat (George has a knack of being wedged between the 2 biggest Fijian women on the bus). Sit down. Open window. Arrange bags on lap (if this involves a surf board (laid down the isle) the excitement of the trip increases ten fold - for everyone on the bus bar me). Glance up. Notice the unusually high number of school children on the bus. Start to panic (school children = almost certain sign that you have been conned into boarding the stages bus). rev. rev. rev. gear crunch. revvvvvvv. Bus starts to move out of station. eeek. Bus stops for people who have been sitting around watching or chatting, to board bus. rev. rev. rev. gear crunch. revvvv. Bus moves forward (or backwards) again. beep. eeek. puttputt. navigation of buses parked at all angles is a genuine skill. eeek. Chat with other bus driver through windows. rev. rev. rev. gear crunch. revvvv. Go! Out of the bus station! eeeeeek. stop. More people board, as walking IN to the station is far too far. Conductor gets out. Loads on sacks of something (most probably cassava). Piles them around driver. New arrivals squeeze onto seats (usually the middle of the 3 seater, as the isle occupant is not giving up their prime position, no matter how much squeezing is required to get past them). rev. rev. rev. gear crunch. revvvv. OUT OF THE BUS STATION! annnnnd crunch SECOND GEAR! eeeeeeek. stop. more passengers. rev. rev. rev. gear crunch. revvvvv. first. second. third! And we are making our way through town. Over bridge. Left turn. Left turn? Left turn! BLOODY LEFT TURN! (confirmation that this is indeed a stages bus, and I have in fact been conned). Around the block and 5 stops later we are back on the high way.  Yay! Not. The next 1.5 hrs consists of rev. rev. rev. First gear. rev. Sec....ding. eeek. Stop. Wait. Person collects bags. Stands up. Squeezes past other 2 people on seat. Shuffles down isle (tilo tilo tilo). Pays driver. Chats to driver. Gets off. Points to package. Gets package passed off. rev. rev. rev. 1st gear. revvvvv. Ding. eeeeeek. Stop. Repeat. rev. Ding. eeeek. Repeat. rev. Ding Ding. Repeat. So much so that Amy and I take bets on how many seconds between stops, 5 is a pretty sure bet. Reaching second gear without hearing a ding is worth celebrating.  Looking down the road ahead and seeing 3 people standing 50m apart is not a good sign (unless you have a bet on <5sec), we will stop for all of them. Individually. And probably with an added drop off somewhere in between. In addition when you ding the bell that means you want to get off. Immediately. i.e. stop right now this is my house. Thus every stop is a tyre screeching, head jerking, body bracing, bag clutching, not so enjoyable experience. And the trip is a bloody long one. Unfortunately you cant jump off and wave down the express bus that you were supposed to catch because they are not guaranteed to stop for you. Instead you just watch them zoom past you on the outskirts of town, and spend the entire trip gazing your watch calculating how much closer to Lautoka you would already be if the bloody stages driver hadn't pulled up at the bloody express station, to pick up the bloody lazy people who were chatting with their friends in the park (having deciding that when the bus is actually leaving is a much better time to board, than sitting on the bus in the bus station), and bloody beckoned you to come aboard.

Cuties waiting on a stages bus. Big lady in background, avoid that seat.

View from the front row. Packages loaded, gear stick padded. Standard.

To enjoy your ride on a stages bus more thoroughly, it is beneficial to have a appreciation of Hindi RnB remixes.  This style of music is difficult to explain as nothing so terrible exists in Australia. However I'll try my best. Take any hip hop, RnB or pop overplayed song (e.g. Rhianna) take the chorus, cut it and loop it, add some heavy, but tinny bass to it (enough so you cant really hear the original beat or song), record a young widow wailing and play it over the top of the bass over the top of the song that was murdered (perhaps explaining the wailing) add a dash of bells and ta da! Now give it to a bus driver to BLAST out of the speakers (which I always unfortunately happen to plonk my ass directly underneath) loud enough so mobile conversations are impossible (sorry Nick and Annette), an iPod is useless and conversation is non existent. Voila you have a hit in fiji! Or permanent hearing loss + a headache.

Just in case you start fearing for your safety due to the volume and frequency of beeping you hear emitting from the drivers horn, fear not, there are not nearly that many near misses, close calls or almost incidents. No here in Fiji a horn toot means a myriad of things. And almost all are friendly and polite- another fine example of Fijian culture. So here are the possible meanings behind those friendly toots:

1. the bell has just dinged and I will be stopping, immediately, so please be warned and don't run up my ass
2. there is a car/ truck/ bus/ horse coming in the opposite direction, now is not a good time to overtake me, nor is it a good time to pull out to check if it is a good time to over take me
3. do you want to catch this bus even though you are waiting on the other side of the road?
4. bula!
5. I'm overtaking you now, please don't pull out, or swerve, or drive on the wrong side of the road for the next 30 seconds.
6. thanks for letting me pass

and many many more.


toot toot!